I threw myself into the deep end
Hoping I would learn how to swim.
I should have known that
People with paper hearts
Weren’t made for water.
And that people that who build their spines
Out of rubble
Were always made to sink.
But I’m thankful I didn’t know better
I was stupid as much as I was brave
And I thought I had lost courage
To the wind coming through my bedroom window
A long time ago.
A life size selfie from earlier in the term. Drawn from life on individual letter size sheets of paper.
I am sitting on the passenger’s seat
As my sister drives through the streets
Of our empty suburbs.
We stay silent.
We stay grateful for tonight
And for each other.
I know from her sighs
That she is saying good morning to her lover.
There is a slither open on her window
Where she lets her greeting escape
So I use it to talk the stars;
I ask them what it is like to have someone believe in you
Or if they even believed in themselves.
I’ve been tapping my feet again
I’ve noticed I only do that when I am trying to run away
From thoughts that are determined to watch me burn.
Lately I’ve been having too many days like this
And I am exhausted from hiding.
Because even if I escape I know
I would just light up a cigarette
And wish that it was my ashes
That was falling.
I can’t bare to look at myself in the mirror anymore.
But I still spend the night
Trying to carve the word “worthy”
Onto my ribcages
Hoping it would remind my heart
Not to stop beating, even when my mind says it would be logical.
I spend the night forcing myself to breathe a little deeper
Hoping it will put out the fire set ablaze within me.